Sterling to Stay at Liverpool

I once wrote about Raheem Sterling.

It was fun and unfortunately for all involved, I am not able to provide a link to that fun piece from 6 months ago.

Apparently the internet loses things all the time, who knew?

But, rather than going through and telling you all how brilliant that post once was, I’ll just work incredibly hard to make this one even more brilliant so that none of you feel as though you have missed out.

To be fair, the only reason I bring up the un-viewable old post is, at the time, I finished with a line that went something a little like this.

“What the hell are you thinking, Raheem? Can you not see what you have done? Are you really that blind? Why would anyone do this when there are several better options?”



So as the impasse continues and the mess continues to bring us all to a crazy realisation that someone is going to have to clean it up, there is a strong sense that Liverpool should just get rid, dump the whole pile of poop on the doorstep of Manchester City, with a box of matches and a sign that reads,

“Strike the match, it helps with the smell!”

Except, here’s the thing, I do not think that we should entertain such frivolous actions, throwing poop at somebody’s door is clearly so 1980’s anyway and these days, we send emoji’s of poop digitally, much less smelly and even less messy. But besides the whole poop metaphor, we should not simply get rid, we should not make the path easier for Sterling, we should quite literally dig in our heels and every time Manchester City come in with a “FINAL” offer, we should reply with,

“You clearly do not understand our position, we are not negotiating, we are not bluffing, we want the full 50 million and every time you come back in with your final offer and it does not match what we want, we will add 5 million to our asking price and the longer you leave it the bigger the mess we’ll leave at your doorstep and be forwarned, Pascoe hasn’t actually been sacked, we’ve just sent him to every dirty kebab stall, hot dog stand and Mexican food bus we could find and we’ve plied him with anti-poop medication until this is all sorted and trust me, you do not want to be around Pascoe when he hasn’t pooped for a while, it is horrendous, do not do that to yourselves!”

By my calculations, that now means we can add a further 20 million to what we were after originally. And to hell with rational notions of how transfers should and shouldn’t work. To hell with it all, this is not the time and place to be rational, this is the silly season after all, and if you have a want away player like Sterling pushing buttons left right and centre in the hope of hitting the right combination that blows away his Liverpool career, we should be just as devious in our undertakings with not only Sterling and the abysmal Ward, but with the Sheikhs of Manchester City as well.

He is our player, we made him, we nurtured him, we celebrated with him as he progressed and that when all is said and done may not mean a damn thing to anyone, but what is important, is the fact that given the opportunity to continue to develop into what should be a world-class talent, Sterling has decided he has had enough, he has decided that the time is now right for him to collect his big paycheck, which conveniently glosses over the fact that as far back as October 2014, which is 9 months ago, for those mathematically challenged, we tabled an offer that started with a 1 in front and ended with 5 zeros!

Do the mathematics on that and you are talking about a player that has literally, left behind 2.7 million in wages in that period.

Think about that for a second, Sterling, think about the fact that you could have signed a contract, received an extra 2.7 million already, and if we are having this conversation next summer, you are talking about an extra 6,321,000 in wages by the time you start the charade all over again.

Now, all of what I have said so far, is not really some great insight, it is not anything you have not already heard or pondered yourself, but what I can promise you is, there is nothing that Sterling can do at this point that would ever make me budge on my stance of NOT SELLING HIM AT ANY PRICE!

Screw the 50 million, screw the 70 million, screw it all, screw it all until it has no thread left and you are left with nothing but a rusty old piece of metal. Screw it so badly, that it wishes it was never a screw to begin with and while you’re at it, you may as well set fire to it because as we all know, a rusty screw, is never ever as good as a brand spanking new screw.

Sterling wants to go on strike? So be it. But while you are at it, how about we treat you the way other employers treat striking employees. You get locked out, you get made to sit at home or man a picket while Ward bring’s home the bacon.

35,000 a week ain’t enough? Well, let’s see you try it out on 0. And every week, when you collect a big fat 0 paycheck, why not ask Aidy, what’s his cut of 0 pounds a week?

In the meantime, Liverpool can continue to rack up the savings. Eventually, you may get sick of not working and not getting paid or you may finally realise that staying at home was the best thing you could have ever done and all you really want to do for the rest of your life is suck on canisters or balloons filled with happy gas because happy gas makes you happy. And, to be honest, mate, if that’s what makes you happy so be it. I’ll be happy for you.

But, you’ll be doing it for the next few year at least, because you signed a contract Raheem, you signed one that means you do not get to simply walk away and play for someone else, unless the club that pays you agrees to it. And sorry Raheem, we do not agree to it.

So Sterling is staying at Liverpool and that’s that.

Or he’s not, in which case disregard everything I just said, except the part about rusty screws, they really are the worst and of course the part about not being around Pascoe doing a big poop, that surely can’t be pleasant.

Neboneid H

I write mostly long winded metaphors and hard to comprehend similes but once you get to know me, you'll probably invite me to your wedding. Plus I do Dad Jokes, lots and lots of dad jokes.

31 thoughts on “Sterling to Stay at Liverpool

  • July 12, 2015 at 4:23 am

    There’s a good chance that still has your article from six months ago.

  • July 12, 2015 at 4:26 am

    Is there anything the internet can not do?

  • July 12, 2015 at 5:11 am

    For all our sakes just sell him to who ever because he will only sit on the bench for them or get sent out on loan, That should be revenge enough, Then we can just watch him fade away into obscurity.

  • July 12, 2015 at 5:45 am

    Loan him to LA Galaxy so Stevie can kick his ass.

  • July 12, 2015 at 6:34 am

    I doubt if J. Henry didn’t let Suarez leave, in spite of the vampire having a min release clause in his contract, he will let Raheem I-am-just-a-kid-who-wants-to-play-football Sterling leave for anything less than the publicised 50mn, esp when that twit has 2 years left.

  • July 12, 2015 at 7:00 am

    Yeah exactly, I don’t think they will sell unless they get exactly what they want, but like I’ve said above, I do not think we should sell him out of principle anyway

  • July 12, 2015 at 7:00 am

    I like this, probably more than I should.

  • July 12, 2015 at 7:02 am

    Yeah, but if we keep him around, even if he sees out his contract, we will be due training compensation. This is one of the reasons why this not selling him thing makes sense, we get paid regardless, either now or in two years and two years is a long time to play with your thumbs up in the stands.

  • July 12, 2015 at 8:10 am

    Sterlings actions are that of a silly little boy, however!
    What an embarrassing childishly written article.
    Utterly cringe ridden throughout.
    Yes I am a 45 year LFC fan not a Manc trolling.

  • July 12, 2015 at 9:31 am

    Really good article. Screw raheem, I got high hopes for Mario next season.

  • July 12, 2015 at 9:46 am

    You must be illiterate then, It is a good article funny in parts but with a serious point.

  • July 12, 2015 at 9:54 am

    Sorry you didn’t like it.

    Maybe you’ll appreciate my other fine work, which contains no mention of poop or childish antics.

  • July 12, 2015 at 9:54 am

    Thank you mate!

  • July 12, 2015 at 9:56 am

    Cheers mate! Appreciate it.

  • July 12, 2015 at 10:10 am

    Great article. I’ve been saying for a while Liverpool need to take a tough stance with transfers, in particular pedandic bids below a players worth. I wanted us to do the same the Real and Alonso, and say every bid below our asking price will add £5m onto it. It’s sure to speed the outcome up either way and send a message to any other club who thinks we’ll negotiate a lower fee for our star players. I’m sure we could do with the £50 million now, but the message it would send to our players and other clubs if we refused and kept him would be priceless.

  • July 12, 2015 at 10:30 am

    Serious question time. Could he leave using the Webster ruling?

    I say this is if he could the amount Liverpool would get would be peanuts compared to Sterling’s market value.

    Edited to say good article.

  • July 12, 2015 at 11:01 am

    The short answer is yes, but not until the 1st January 2016 at the earliest. At that point he would have to pay out his contract which would equate to around £3,000,000 but there are also provisions which look at the players future earnings and you’d think that if he was to go on to earn £140,000 a week at City, those wages could also be piled on.

    But the truth is, if City or anther club are deemed to have acted unlawfully by encouraging a breach of contract in order to sign a player on the cheap, Liverpool could choose to take further legal action to gain a larger payout more akin to what we would get if he was sold at his market value.

    It could get very messy.

  • July 12, 2015 at 11:16 am

    Thanks for the answer. I just have visions of his agent, who seems a right charmer, trying to get Sterling to use this rule and start an auction on his client.

    I hope he decides to stay and puts in some good shifts as he is a good talent but seems easily lead.

    Otherwise he will be disliked by all football fans as a symbol of greed in the game.

  • July 12, 2015 at 11:26 am

    Yeah, there’s really no way Liverpool win in this scenario, it’s disgusting that it’s gotten to this point, but that’s the nature of the beast I guess.

  • July 12, 2015 at 11:27 am

    It makes sense. And to be honest FSG have shown they aren’t interested in being bargained with so maybe it’s our new way forward.

  • July 12, 2015 at 1:21 pm

    Afraid I have little time for him now. I hope the new boys stand up and he gets benched. Should’ve gone. He has no loyalty to this club.

  • July 12, 2015 at 1:25 pm

    Not worthy of a response.

  • July 12, 2015 at 1:30 pm

    Sterling is acting in such a child like manor as you know, his agent is worse.
    Yes your article has some of the relevant points, but I see no point in it being dragged down to such a puerile level. Just prefer to see articles that show a level above the stance of Raheem.

  • July 12, 2015 at 1:39 pm

    I appreciate that, honestly, no hard feelings.

  • July 12, 2015 at 1:55 pm

    Absolutely none mate, I have a sense of humour, honestly 🙂 its just I am really pissed with Raheem! and letting it show too much I guess.

    I tell you, he has never been able to forget the “you’ll be on the first plane home lad” when he tried a quip with Rodgers on pre-season! I am sure all remembers, if not googling “rodgers raheem first plane home lad” will bring up the clip.

    Well for me I cant wait for him to fly the nest, he’s been a stupid boy!
    Want to leave? fine, just do it in a respectable way for LFC and football in general.

  • July 12, 2015 at 4:00 pm

    Change the “twit” to twat and I’m in full agreement with you

  • July 12, 2015 at 7:09 pm


  • July 12, 2015 at 7:12 pm

    Nicely done sir. You’re a gent! 🙂

  • July 12, 2015 at 7:12 pm

    49 mil I read. Out of principle is a fair point, but 49 mil is ridiculous for his present calibre. Good luck to City if they can turn him into a world class player, something which he’s not right now. In view of that, we got more than a fair price while driving the toxic out of the system. Hopefully it shows a precedent for other players who may get too big headed in the future.

  • July 12, 2015 at 7:13 pm

    Anything for getting rid of that rubbish! And you asked nicely. Cheers mate!

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