Sterling to Stay at Liverpool

I once wrote about Raheem Sterling.

It was fun and unfortunately for all involved, I am not able to provide a link to that fun piece from 6 months ago.

Apparently the internet loses things all the time, who knew?

But, rather than going through and telling you all how brilliant that post once was, I’ll just work incredibly hard to make this one even more brilliant so that none of you feel as though you have missed out.

To be fair, the only reason I bring up the un-viewable old post is, at the time, I finished with a line that went something a little like this.

“What the hell are you thinking, Raheem? Can you not see what you have done? Are you really that blind? Why would anyone do this when there are several better options?”



So as the impasse continues and the mess continues to bring us all to a crazy realisation that someone is going to have to clean it up, there is a strong sense that Liverpool should just get rid, dump the whole pile of poop on the doorstep of Manchester City, with a box of matches and a sign that reads,

“Strike the match, it helps with the smell!”

Except, here’s the thing, I do not think that we should entertain such frivolous actions, throwing poop at somebody’s door is clearly so 1980’s anyway and these days, we send emoji’s of poop digitally, much less smelly and even less messy. But besides the whole poop metaphor, we should not simply get rid, we should not make the path easier for Sterling, we should quite literally dig in our heels and every time Manchester City come in with a “FINAL” offer, we should reply with,

“You clearly do not understand our position, we are not negotiating, we are not bluffing, we want the full 50 million and every time you come back in with your final offer and it does not match what we want, we will add 5 million to our asking price and the longer you leave it the bigger the mess we’ll leave at your doorstep and be forwarned, Pascoe hasn’t actually been sacked, we’ve just sent him to every dirty kebab stall, hot dog stand and Mexican food bus we could find and we’ve plied him with anti-poop medication until this is all sorted and trust me, you do not want to be around Pascoe when he hasn’t pooped for a while, it is horrendous, do not do that to yourselves!”

By my calculations, that now means we can add a further 20 million to what we were after originally. And to hell with rational notions of how transfers should and shouldn’t work. To hell with it all, this is not the time and place to be rational, this is the silly season after all, and if you have a want away player like Sterling pushing buttons left right and centre in the hope of hitting the right combination that blows away his Liverpool career, we should be just as devious in our undertakings with not only Sterling and the abysmal Ward, but with the Sheikhs of Manchester City as well.

He is our player, we made him, we nurtured him, we celebrated with him as he progressed and that when all is said and done may not mean a damn thing to anyone, but what is important, is the fact that given the opportunity to continue to develop into what should be a world-class talent, Sterling has decided he has had enough, he has decided that the time is now right for him to collect his big paycheck, which conveniently glosses over the fact that as far back as October 2014, which is 9 months ago, for those mathematically challenged, we tabled an offer that started with a 1 in front and ended with 5 zeros!

Do the mathematics on that and you are talking about a player that has literally, left behind 2.7 million in wages in that period.

Think about that for a second, Sterling, think about the fact that you could have signed a contract, received an extra 2.7 million already, and if we are having this conversation next summer, you are talking about an extra 6,321,000 in wages by the time you start the charade all over again.

Now, all of what I have said so far, is not really some great insight, it is not anything you have not already heard or pondered yourself, but what I can promise you is, there is nothing that Sterling can do at this point that would ever make me budge on my stance of NOT SELLING HIM AT ANY PRICE!

Screw the 50 million, screw the 70 million, screw it all, screw it all until it has no thread left and you are left with nothing but a rusty old piece of metal. Screw it so badly, that it wishes it was never a screw to begin with and while you’re at it, you may as well set fire to it because as we all know, a rusty screw, is never ever as good as a brand spanking new screw.

Sterling wants to go on strike? So be it. But while you are at it, how about we treat you the way other employers treat striking employees. You get locked out, you get made to sit at home or man a picket while Ward bring’s home the bacon.

35,000 a week ain’t enough? Well, let’s see you try it out on 0. And every week, when you collect a big fat 0 paycheck, why not ask Aidy, what’s his cut of 0 pounds a week?

In the meantime, Liverpool can continue to rack up the savings. Eventually, you may get sick of not working and not getting paid or you may finally realise that staying at home was the best thing you could have ever done and all you really want to do for the rest of your life is suck on canisters or balloons filled with happy gas because happy gas makes you happy. And, to be honest, mate, if that’s what makes you happy so be it. I’ll be happy for you.

But, you’ll be doing it for the next few year at least, because you signed a contract Raheem, you signed one that means you do not get to simply walk away and play for someone else, unless the club that pays you agrees to it. And sorry Raheem, we do not agree to it.

So Sterling is staying at Liverpool and that’s that.

Or he’s not, in which case disregard everything I just said, except the part about rusty screws, they really are the worst and of course the part about not being around Pascoe doing a big poop, that surely can’t be pleasant.

Neboneid H

I write mostly long winded metaphors and hard to comprehend similes but once you get to know me, you'll probably invite me to your wedding. Plus I do Dad Jokes, lots and lots of dad jokes.